Through My Fingers
by Nature's Girl
Summary: His eyes begged me not to speak, but I couldn’t control the words.  “We can go far away, far away from everything.  We can have a new life.  A better life.”
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sopranos characters, and Meadow is an adult in this story.

Summary: His eyes begged me not to speak, but I couldn't control the words. "We can go far away, far away from everything. We can have a new life. A better life."

* * *

The mirror's reflection showed me what I wanted to see. In typical Italian fashion, I watched my dad grab Silvio and pat his back hard. I smirked in my cozy corner, pulling the mirror away. 

"Meadow!" I heard my dad call.

Almost dropping the mirror in surprise, I scampered back to the stairs and hid it in some of Mom's plants. Smoothing my skirt, I began the descent. They were waiting for me in the kitchen. Again, typical.

My dad was quite a menacing figure with his strong shoulders and intense gaze. Almost lazily, his elbow was propped against the counter as he watched me. "Good news, Mead." I raised my eyebrow and gave a knowing smile. A smile with a touch of attitude and a hint of playfulness, a smile he had always loved. "Silvio would love to teach you guitar."

My eyes flickered towards the direction of my new instructor. He was observing me with quiet calmness. He seemed to be wondering if I was worthy of his time. But perhaps it was something else.

Silvio had always frightened me a little. As a little girl, I always wondered why I had to call him "uncle" even though there was no relation at all between us. Such curiosity prompted my discovery of the truth. The mafia.

He was a large man as well, with a powerful build and a frightening intensity in his mannerisms. And his eyes… They had always scared me. Something was wrong. Instead of light, darkness glinted off those black orbs. They were dull. Cold.

I turned my smile up a notch. "Thank you, Uncle Sil." His shoulders did their weird little shake as his mouth drooped down like a fish's. "No problem, kid."

My dad intervened. "All right! Great!" He pounded Silvio on the back again and grinned at me. "When does she start?" Silvio's features tightened in thought. "Twice a week?" he asked me. I nodded, not daring to contradict anything he proposed. "Okay. How 'bout an hour long… Wednesday and Saturday?"

I coughed, my throat dry and parched. "That's great." "One o'clock okay?" I nodded hurriedly. "Definitely." He smiled then, more relaxed for some reason. "All right."

His eyes met Dad's, and Dad patted him on the back again. Silvio took a couple steps towards me and extended his arms. Trying not to tremble, I sank into his brief embrace and marveled at his strength. It was like pressing against a firm mattress… although he was sturdy, he was also warm and comfortable. Almost reassuring. My fear instantly evaporated as I settled into his arms. But then he pulled back. In horror, I noticed that my body protested at the absence.

"See you tomorrow, kid," he said.

I snapped out of my daze and remembered who he was again. My lips tightened into a small smile as I prayed my nervousness wouldn't show. "Okay Uncle Sil."

In respect, I turned to my dad and planted a kiss on his cheek. Pulling back, I saw him beaming at me.

"Bye, sweetie." "Bye, Dad."

I turned my back and walked back to the stairs. Why? Why did I have to get the sudden urge to learn guitar? Why?

Sighing, I climbed the stairs slowly. When I was out of their sight, I sprinted. Slamming my bedroom door behind me, my head pressed against the firm wood, I felt a little safer. It wasn't until then did I realize my heart was beating like a Congo drum.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: His eyes begged me not to speak, but I couldn't control the words. "We can go far away, far away from everything. We can have a new life. A better life."

* * *

His fingers danced on the strings, plucked and prodded. "This is a real beauty," he whispered. With great affection, he stroked the neck of my guitar. Looking up at me, he smiled, truly and genuinely. "You picked out a good one." 

"Thanks." I had to agree.

"Why that one?" my dad had asked. It was only three hundred dollars. "Why not the Gibson SG? Or a Strat?" I had shrugged. "I just like this one. It's beautiful. And the sound is amazing." Dad had shrugged as well. "Okay. I'm not gonna complain. I'm just surprised you didn't pick out the two thousand dollar one." I smacked his arm in irritation. He laughed.

An hour later, I sat on my bed, marveling at the quality of my new guitar. A Danelectro '59 Double-Cutaway… a black and white beauty. Danny.

I blinked my eyes and returned to the present. Silvio was still messing around with it. And I had to admit… he was good. Why hadn't he pursued a musical career instead?

"I'm gonna start by teaching you the basic notes." I smirked. "Already know them." He didn't seem surprised. "Oh yea? Show me."

He handed Danny to me and our fingertips brushed. I shivered. He didn't seem to notice. Carefully, I played each note and stated what it was. Silvio seemed impressed.

"Good." He sounded relieved. "That's the hardest part. We can move ahead now." I already knew basic chords and simple things, much to his delight.

"There's nothing more difficult than trying to explain something to a clueless person," he confided. I had giggled. Then his hardened gaze returned, as well as the harsh tone in his voice. "What are you laughin' for?" My eyes diverted from his instantly. "I—I—um…" But then he broke out into a large grin. "Just messin' with you, kid. Don't be so serious all the time."

Bastard. He nearly gave me a heart attack. I shot him an annoyed glance and resumed playing, praying that my cheeks weren't reddening.

He was still chuckling. Bastard.

Later, my dad asked me how the lesson went. "Great!" I exuberantly replied. "Did you know he was such a good guitarist?" Dad nodded. "That's why you're learning from him." I nodded. "Thanks Dad. You know… for getting me lessons." He pecked me on the head and left me alone to ponder.

Did Silvio know I was scared of him? But maybe it wasn't just fear. It was… a morbid curiosity. Who was he really?


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: His eyes begged me not to speak, but I couldn't control the words. "We can go far away, far away from everything. We can have a new life. A better life."

* * *

Within a couple weeks, I was playing with more confidence and skill. He seemed genuinely pleased with the results. I had even surprised him at times, especially when I was able to play and sing at the same time. "That's not hard for you?" he asked. "No." He had grinned then. "So you're a natural then. Good. It will help. And you have a good voice."

For some reason, his compliment touched me. "Thanks." To my surprise, he ruffled my hair gently. A quiet understanding passed between the two of us then. But I wasn't sure exactly what.

The lightning flashed dangerously; the thunder shook the windows.

My cell phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket, startling me.

"Is your dad home?" he asked, his voice husky. "No," I whispered, trembling. "What about your mom? Your brother?" I exhaled slowly. "No."

I opened the door for him, welcoming him into the warmth and coziness of our house—shelter from the strong torrents of heavy wind and rain. He was absolutely soaked. And slightly shivering.

"Do you want some cocoa?"

Five minutes later, he and I sat comfortably on the sofa, sipping the scalding hot chocolate and relishing in the warmth of the fire. The flames gently licked the air and occasionally sparked. It was a very calming effect.

But then he set his mug down.

"Meadow."

My name was honey on his lips. And then his strong hand was caressing my cheek, twirling my hair, massaging my scalp. Closing my eyes, I sighed at the pleasant sensation and fell into his arms, leaning back against his chest. My mug fell to the floor, chocolate liquid pouring out and staining the carpet.

My head leaned back and our lips met. I softly moaned into his mouth, enjoying the feeling of kissing him. He opened my mouth with his, sliding his tongue in, probing mine. I groaned deliciously and reveled in his sweet taste. Our lips grew numb from the insistent rubbing.

Impatient, he flipped me over, tore my skirt off. My lips were swollen and bruised, and my eyes were heavy-lidded. The satisfying sound of his zipper being pulled down reached my ears. My panties suffered the same unfortunate fate as my skirt.

And then…he filled me, and I was complete. Our lips met again, and I was lost. I could only follow his rhythm, trust in him completely. My back arched, my senses failed, and I shuddered as I…

Woke up.

My body was slick with sweat head-to-toe, and I was shaking.

I listened to the soothing hum of the night, and my mind calmed, my thoughts quieted. Thunder was rumbling on overhead.

I squeezed my eyes tightly. What the FUCK had happened?


	4. Chapter 4

After that particularly raunchy dream, it was embarrassing to see him and not imagine his lips pressed against mine. I found myself blushing madly in his presence. Maybe he knew. He didn't say anything, but how could he not notice? I was red ALL the time!

It had even begun to effect my playing. I made mistakes more frequently, and he tried to relax me. "What's wrong?" I would just shake my head in response. Sometimes he would even rub my shoulders softly. But that only made me shiver in desire.

Damn him.

A couple of months later, I was playing like I knew what I was doing. Work became crazy for Silvio and Dad, and the lessons finally ended.

On the last lesson, I thought of talking to him about… About what? That I liked him? Yea, right. Like I would ever do that. So I sat, suffering in silence.

But he seemed to understand.

He played a slow, mournful tune on Danny that seemed to express everything I wanted to say. He never said a word.

Neither did I. As he placed Danny on the stand, he turned to me. His eyes no longer frightened me. I think he knew that, too.

He kissed me softly on my cheek, lingering a little too long to be considered friendly. His lips were warm and soft, just as I had imagined they would be. I longed to pull him into my embrace and succumb to the dream, but I didn't. He pulled back and watched me with terrifying intensity, and then left, shutting the door behind him.

The silence was deafening.


	5. Chapter 5

"Meadow, will you play at my wedding?" Adriana asked with enthusiasm. "Of course!" I squealed in happiness. I had always liked Adriana. She was such a sweet and caring person.

"Thanks!!"

We hugged each other tightly.

I spent a week writing the perfect song for her and Christopher and practiced it for several weeks.

And then she disappeared.

And I knew.

She was dead.

Just like Jackie Jr.

At first, it was hard for me to believe. But she had been acting strangely the past months. She was paranoid and always visibly upset. Her health began to fail. I knew there had been some great turmoil in her heart. At first I had suspected another man. But she loved Christopher so much.

No, that couldn't have been it.

I finally put two and two together and realized what she had done. What she had been.

Only one fate had awaited her.

I had cried, hiding away from my family and friends for a week, mourning the loss of my friend, who had loved Christopher with all her heart. No matter what he did to her, she always loved him. She was always there for him, encouraging him.

When I finally dried my tears and returned home, I observed Christopher. He was quieter than usual, and sad. He missed her. He had loved her, too. My heart broke.

I wrote a new song. And it was simple. It was from Christopher's perspective.

One day, when my dad was downstairs, I sat in my room, playing the song and remembering Adriana. What I didn't expect was my door to open.

Silvio stood at the doorway, regarding me with that frightening intensity of his. But I continued playing.

"She slipped through my fingers. She slipped through my hands. And now I'm alone. Alone."

He never moved from the doorway.

"And when I think about her, I break down and cry. Cause I loved her, and I'm dying inside.

"My angel loved me, and I tore her down. My angel is lying in the ground."

His features softened in sadness, in quiet understanding.

"And now there's nothing. There's nothing left. I'm alone. There's nobody left.

"Cause she slipped through my fingers. She slipped through my hands. We loved each other. And now she's dead."

My voice cracked, and the tears I had held inside since her death came rushing back. I didn't know why. Maybe because he was there.

I struggled to finish the song.

"So I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. Alone."

Danny almost slipped through my fingers as my shoulders shook violently with the force of my sobs.

He rushed forward and caught the guitar in time, propping it up against the bed. And then I was wrapped inside his strong arms, smelling his faint cologne and feeling his reassuring warmth. I sobbed hard into his shoulder, soaking his shirt with my tears.

"Meadow," he whispered, just like in my dream.

"S—she—she's dead…"

He was silent.

He rubbed my back softly and quieted me.

"He killed her."

He didn't answer.

"My dad didn't do it, did he?"

He paused for a moment. "No."

I didn't ask if he was the one. I didn't want to know. Couldn't know.

"It's not fair."

"But she knew," he whispered. "She knew her fate."

We were silent for a long time, and his hands stroked my back softly. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

"He loved her," I whispered.

His eyes met mine, and I understood. This was the life we had to live. This was the mafia. Love didn't matter. Couldn't matter.

"Silvio."

His eyes begged me not to speak, but I couldn't control the words. "Let's leave."

His eyes avoided mine.

"We can go far away, far away from everything. We can have a new life. A better life."

He stared down, thinking for a moment.

"You would just leave your family? Forget them forever?"

I didn't answer.

"Meadow… once you join the business, you can never leave. That's the way it has been. And will always be."

I had known he would never agree to something so foolish, but I had hoped.

I leaned forward and gently kissed him, and for a moment, he kissed me back. But then he pulled away.

"I have a wife. I have a daughter. And I love them very much.

"And I care about you. I don't want you to be hurt. So push me to the back of your mind. Never think of me again. I will only hurt you."

And it was the truth.

"I'm sorry."

He stood up and kissed my cheek. "Tony is waiting for me. I told him we were talking about your song for Chris and Kelly's wedding."

I nodded.

He stood in the doorway. "My chance slipped through my fingers, Meadow. Long ago."

Silently, I began to cry again.

"Goodbye, Meadow."

I sobbed, and his form blurred through my tears. "Goodbye."

I never spoke to him again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Silvio is in the hospital," my dad told me, his voice uneven. "He was shot. He might not wake up."

But I wasn't surprised. I knew what could happen, what the risks were. It was the mafia. He had told me.

I had left my boyfriend Patrick for a little and hid with Mom and AJ until it was safe to go home again.

I was never scared.

When we went back home, I got in my car and drove to the hospital. Mrs. Dante was sitting beside him, and her eyes were red.

"Hello, Meadow," she whispered. "Hello."

I hugged her.

And then she left us alone.

His breathing was soft and slow… fragile. All of these machines were hooked up to him, keeping him alive. I trembled.

"Silvio," I whispered. But he didn't answer.

I knelt down beside his bed and took his warm hand in mine. His face was relaxed, his eyes closed. He looked like he was dead.

And he already was. It was too late for him…for his freedom. He had his chance long ago.

He looked so peaceful, so still. The air around us didn't move. I suddenly couldn't breathe.

Silvio.

I loved him.

I stroked his cheek softly and sang.

"Cause she slipped through my fingers. She slipped through my hands. We loved each other. And now she's dead. So I am alone."

Flashes of my lessons passed in front of my wet eyes—his patience, his kindness, the gentle and understanding look in his eyes, his kisses. His love.

"I am alone."

What if we had ran away, started over?

"I am alone."

But it was too late.

"Alone."

The chance had slipped through my fingers.

Alone.

**the end**

* * *

A/N: The song in Chapter 5 was written about Christopher and Adriana. It's called "Through My Fingers" and inspired this fanfiction: 

"She slipped through my fingers

She slipped through my hands

And now I'm alone

Alone

And when I think about her

I break down and cry

Cause I loved her

And I'm dying inside

My angel loved me

And I tore her down

My angel is lying

In the ground

And now there's nothing

There's nothing left

I'm alone

There's nobody left

Cause she slipped through my fingers

She slipped through my hands

We loved each other

And now she's dead

So I am alone

I am alone

I am alone

Alone"

I hope you enjoyed my story. I hope to get some new ideas soon so I can write some more Sopranos fics.


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